


The Awfulness Of Everything Ever

by faerymorstan



Series: Biscuitverse [7]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Crack, Epistolary, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Multi, No Two Consulting Detectives Are Not On Notice, Polyamory, Polyfidelity, Texting, That Sofa Really Tied The Room Together, Unintentional Circus Kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-10
Updated: 2016-07-06
Packaged: 2018-05-25 23:15:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6214096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faerymorstan/pseuds/faerymorstan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Captain Anger Management Husband, Short Wife, and The Prettiest Male Princess In London are about to have two children under age two. What could go wrong?!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Trapeze Too Far

**Author's Note:**

  * For [prtcjbd](https://archiveofourown.org/users/prtcjbd/gifts).



> For prtcjbd, who sung me this series' song when I'd forgotten how it went. Many hugs and even more biscuits, dear friend. <3

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Hey, you two.**

**What’re you up to?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Playing fetch with Shaun and having a row with Sherlock.**

**The git’s mobile has been beeping every ten minutes for the last three hours, and he refuses to turn it off, *and* he won’t get his bony arse off the sofa.**

**I’m one BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEP away from doing a murder.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Wait wait wait.**

**You mean Radstone.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**What?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**You’re not playing fetch with Shaun.**

**You’re playing fetch with Radstone.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**UGH.**

**Mary lies.**

**I do not ‘refuse’ to get off of the sofa.**

**I *cannot* remove my arse from the sofa as I am pinned here by the staggering weight that is the awfulness of everything ever.**

**Frankly I wish I *could* get up as this sofa reeks of** **_eau de_ ** **Sherrinford: antiseptic, companion animal, spilt flat white, unfounded optimism.**

**I also detect undertones of toddler excreta and unwashed consulting detective.**

**Suspect sofa should be destroyed.**

**Possibly from orbit.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Nope. Fetch. Shaun.**

**He’s at that age. There’s nothing funnier to him than a nice round of Watch Mummy Waddle After The Socks I Launched Across The Room Instead Of Letting Her Put Them On My Stupid Feet So She Can Put On My Stupid Shoes So She Can Take Me To The Stupid Market To Buy My Stupid Wanker Father His Stupid Wanker Coffee Because He Ran Out Of It Yesterday But He Refuses To Drink The Instant I Made Him This Morning And Now He Is A Stupid Decaffeinated Wanker.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**It is NOT stupid wanker coffee.**

**It is QUALITY coffee because SOME of us have STANDARDS.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**SHERLOCK**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**WHAT**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**TURN OFF YOUR DAMN ALARM AND DRINK THE DAMN COFFEE**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**NO**

**Also stop shouting.**

**You’re always shouty, but you’re extra shouty at work. It’s annoying.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**YOU SHOUTED FIRST**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**AND I WILL SHOUT LAST**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Can we destroy the sofa with you still on it? Because I’m tempted, let me tell you.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**I’m sorry Mary I cannot hear you over the sound of the coffee I do not have**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**No, Sherlock. That sound you hear?**

**It’s YOUR BLOODY MOBILE.**

**Turn it off or I’m going down to Mrs H’s to get my gun.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**SHERLOCK.**

**ALARM.**

**COFFEE.**

*****NOW***.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Work bothering you?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Noted.**

**And aroused.**

**Sext me while you’re doing the shopping about what you’d do to me once you had the gun?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Yeah. Why d’you ask?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**HAHAHAHAHAHA**

**No.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**You’re extra shouty.**

**You usually are, when you’re at work.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Oh for fuck’s - did Sherlock tell you to say that??**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Bah.**

**Since you have neglected to ask, I will take the initiative and inform you that my mobile was reminding me that there are two weeks until Valentine’s Day.**

**I have been made aware that my handling of it last year was Not Good and that I am to do better this year.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**John.**

**Darling.**

**Have you ever, even once, known me to do something because Sherlock told me to?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh, Christ, that’s right.**

**What was it you said, exactly?**

**That if John and I were ‘such insipid simpletons’ that we expected ‘gestures of gross commercial sentimentality on an arbitrary date’, then we deserved ‘the disappointment that follows a stupendous and offensive display of idiocy’?**

**I’ve no idea what I want this year. Let me think about it.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Yeah. Point.**

**Sorry.**

**Work’s been shit. Hope you and Sherlock and I can get some clown time soon.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Clown time??**

**John, I may be the size of a circus tent, but some kinks are a trapeze too far.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Fine.**

**And in my belated defense, Shaun was quite small when I said that.**

**I had been up with him the previous three nights, and working during the days, and I was so exhausted that I spilt tea all over my pyjamas, which were, unbeknownst to me, on back to front, *and* which I recalled only after ten very soggy and chilly minutes could be removed from my person.**

**Caring for newborns is… disorienting.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**ALONE time fucking hello.**

**HELL**

**AAAAAAAAAAH**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Hmm. I could use a foot massage.**

**Or a backrub.**

**Or one of those masques you do when you’re in the bath.**

**I know you say the products are Sherlock’s, but if you *aren’t* giving yourself facials, I really don’t want to know how you get those little patches of dried clay behind your ears.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**It is, but we managed with Shaun.**

**We’ll manage with Lia, too.** **♥**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Shit.**

**It’s rough, having a genius for a wife. Can’t get away with anything.**

**Or figure out why in the hell my daughter is named ‘Lia’, for that matter.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Right.**

**Sorry I’m so *me* today.**

**Feeling overwhelmed.**

**Also nervous for you and Tall Baby.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**You’ll get there. ;-***

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**It’s all right, darling.**

**I’m nervous, too.**

**And excited.**

**And *really* bloody done with being pregnant. Christ.**

**Four weeks feels like an eternity.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**You think so?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I know.**

**Will try to be less Wanker Husband and more Supportive Husband.**

**Don’t expect a complete transformation. >.>**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**I know so.**

**Hope we have some clown time tonight….**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**I would never. ;)**

**And poor John. He still doesn’t know why Tall Baby’s name is Lia.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Suppose it’d be too much to ask for you to pretend that ‘clown time’ never happened?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Of course he doesn’t.**

**At the rate he’s going, he’ll figure it out just as she’s graduating (early, top of her class, having turned down numerous lucrative job offers in favour of taking over my consulting business) from uni.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Yep.**

**;p**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh, surely we ought to tell him before that? :p**

**Not now. But if he hasn’t figured it out by the due date….**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Thought so.**

**Still. Had to try. ;)**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Ugh. Fine.**

**I was looking forward to watching him work for it.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Of course.**

**See you tonight ;-***

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Now you can look forward to watching his face when he hears it.**

**Don’t try to convince me that you won’t be staring at him and swooning.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I wouldn’t dare.**

**Hope Shaun’s behaving for you.**

**I’ll try to be up and dressed and possibly even washing dishes when you return.**

**And I really was serious about the sofa. It’s revolting.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**It is, I know, but I can’t be arsed shopping for one just now.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**John and I can do it.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**You really can’t.**

**Well, no.**

**You *can*.**

**You *shouldn’t*.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**{:-O**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Tell me I’m wrong.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**RUDE**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**That’s what I thought.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Fine.**

**No new sofa. I shall suffer the stench in silence.**

**Don’t forget the coffee.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh for fuck’s sake**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**;-***

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**John**

**John!**

**JOHNNNNNNNN**

**ANSWER ME**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Christ, Sherlock, give a man a chance to reply.**

**What’s up?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**You and I need to procure a sofa.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Right.**

**Do I want to ask what this is about?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Oh, definitely not.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Okay. Yeah.**

**Operation Plausible Deniability Sofa it is.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Will tell you more tonight.**

**Do hurry home. Waiting is boring.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Miss you too, Princess.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**;-***


	2. You And Me Against Rest Of The, Um, Sofa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Sherlock take on The Case Of The Perfect Sofa. Mary takes on The Case Of Get Me Far Far Away From These Maniacs.

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**JOHN**

 

From: John Watson 

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh god.**

**What?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**I have spent the morning researching sofas and identifying places from which we can acquire them.**

**I have assembled an itinerary.**

**I have also shared with you a document in which I identify seventeen necessary and forty-two desirable characteristics for our future sofa, but in the unlikely event that I have missed anything, do make me aware of it.**

**Though don’t type directly into the document. We haven’t got all year.**

 

From: John Watson 

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Fantastic.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**^__^**

 

From: John Watson 

To: Sherlock Holmes

**… That was sarcasm.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Wait. What?**

**Why?**

 

From: John Watson 

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Sherlock.**

**You’re - I mean, we’re - you’re my husband.**

**So obviously I. You know.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**?????**

**John are you having a stroke**

**This app Mary made me put on my mobile so I would stop asking her whether I was coming down with a cold or dying says you’re having a stroke**

 

From: John Watson 

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Jesus, Sherlock, no.**

**I’m fine.**

**Just.**

**You’re going a bit mental about this sofa thing.**

 

From: John Watson 

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Sherlock?**

 

From: John Watson 

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Sherlock??**

 

From: John Watson 

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Hey. Dickhead. Answer me.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**You’re right.**

 

From: John Watson 

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Hold on. What’s that?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**You are right, John.**

**I *am* being mental about the sofa.**

**I had to stress eat quite a few biscuits and snap at Mary quite a few times before I came to that conclusion but I did in fact get there.**

 

From: John Watson 

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Uhoh.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**I seem to recall her saying that if she was ‘such a bloody big annoyance’ to me that I couldn’t treat her like ‘a human fucking being who by the way has been hauling around your stupidly tall child for the better part of a year’ then she would gladly leave.**

**Then she deposited Shaun on my lap and left.**

 

From: John Watson 

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Ohhhhhhh that’s bad**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Yes it would seem so wouldn’t it.**

**I was snappish because I was trying to decide whether I really *was* being mental about the sofa or whether I was quite rationally trying to find the perfect one to replace ours because it’s revolting and I watch Mary struggle to get up from or comfortable on it and it’s awful and she deserves better but she doesn’t have the energy to shop for it because Lia which incidentally is at least one-half my fault and COMPLETELY terrifying and I want to make Mary as comfortable as possible in these last few weeks and that will require a perfect new sofa which on the one hand I think is reasonable but on the other if looking for it makes me so stroppy that she leaves the flat to get away from me I am probably doing spousehood wrong.**

**Marriage is *hard*.**

 

From: John Watson 

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Yeah. It is.**

**You’re doing fine, though.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**… Is that sarcasm too?**

 

From: John Watson 

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Nope.**

**We’ll go sofa shopping after dinner, all right?**

**I’ll read the list you sent me. Might even have some ideas for you.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**… … …**

**You don’t think I’m being mental?**

 

From: John Watson 

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh, no, you’re definitely being mental.**

**Doesn’t mean I won’t help.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Ah.**

**Sentiment.**

 

From: John Watson 

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Yeah.**

**And don’t tell me you don’t understand, Princess.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**I won’t.**

**Also this is probably the point at which I should inform you that I promised Mary we wouldn’t buy a new sofa because she doesn’t think we are capable of selecting an adequate replacement.**

**Oops.**

 

From: John Watson 

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh my god.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**You aren’t allowed to be mad I am being honest honesty is Good we agreed**

 

From: John Watson 

To: Sherlock Holmes

**I am married to the two most infuriating people in London.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Mmm.**

**And what might we deduce about your heart?**

 

From: John Watson 

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Nothing. Just - shut up before I change my mind.**

**I’ll still help.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Really?**

 

From: John Watson 

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Really.**

**Let’s prove Mary wrong, yeah?**

**Just you and me against the rest of the.**

**Uh.**

**Sofa.**

**… That sounded better in my head.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Frankly, John, I accept anything that involves you having me against the sofa.**

 

From: John Watson 

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Yeah?**

**;)**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Yes. ;-***

**And Mary is right.**

**About us.**

 

From: John Watson 

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Probably. She’s usually right.**

**Don’t tell her I said that.**

**But we’ll never know if she’s wrong about this, not unless we try.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Fair.**

**Til tonight.**

 

From: John Watson 

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Yeah. Later.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**John.**

 

From: John Watson 

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Yeah?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**I - thank you.**

**You are.**

**Um.**

**You’re very good to me.**

 

From: John Watson 

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Yeah. I am.**

**Play your cards right and later I’ll make sure *you’re* very good *for* me.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**John you cannot tell me these things when I am minding our son he is far too young to be left to his own devices I cannot sneak upstairs to wank.**

**Instead I am nodding encouragingly while he pulls everything he can reach off our shelves and laughs like a tiny maniac at the mess he’s making.**

**I know I ought to stop him but if I stand up my pants may injure parts of me that only you and Mary are allowed to injure and only because you do so in ways that get all three of us off.**

 

From: John Watson 

To: Sherlock Holmes

**SHERLOCK**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**YOU STARTED IT**

 

*****

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Well.**

***That* was dismal.**

**Three stores with no adequate stock, two stores with potential but no personality whatsoever, and one store from which I am now banned for ‘life, or the existence of the shop, whichever shall terminate last.’**

 

From: John Watson 

To: Sherlock Holmes

**I swear to god, Sherlock, you are the only person who would try to start a fistfight over a sofa.**

**A bloody *sofa*!**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**John, he was WRONG.**

**The one I was interested in was clearly a Chesterfield.**

**He insisted that it was a Bridgewater.**

**A BRIDGEWATER.**

**That kind of ignorance fairly begs to be punched in the face.**

 

From: John Watson 

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Yeah.**

**No.**

**If you teach our son this kind of behaviour, I will personally kick your arse from here to psychotherapy and back again.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Ugh.**

**Fine.**

**Speaking of, how goes Operation Put Shaun To Bed?**

 

From: John Watson 

To: Sherlock Holmes

[File attached: help.jpg]

**Fine.**

**I mean, barring that he’s still awake.**

**We’ve read all his favourite board books at least twice.**

**I’m getting desperate.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Shaun remains adorable. Well done, you and Mary.**

**You look like death, though.**

**Want me to take over?**

 

From: John Watson 

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Maybe.**

**You and Mary make up yet?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

[File attached: yep.jpg]

 

From: John Watson 

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh.**

**:)**

**Yeah, no. Stay. Let her sleep.**

**Shaun and I will get some quality Shaun-and-Daddy time in.**

**Maybe I’ll read him that book about the singing cow again.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**You’re a good father.**

 

From: John Watson 

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Damn right I am.**

**;)**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Keep at it. I’ll come up with a Plan C for the sofa.**

**There must be *some*thing I’m missing….**

 

From: John Watson 

To: Sherlock Holmes

**I can hardly wait. :p**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Sarcasm?**

 

From: John Watson 

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Yeah, but, y’know. Loving.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Ah.**

**Sentimental sarcasm.**

 

From: John Watson 

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Yeah, I guess.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Interesting.**

**Goodnight, John.**

**I sentiment you.**

 

From: John Watson 

To: Sherlock Holmes

**I sentiment you too, Princess.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**:-)**

**Oh God what was that**

 

From: John Watson 

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Annnnd Shaun skipped over ‘tired’ and went right to ‘OVERtired’.**

**He’s screaming himself purple because his favourite teddy bear is on the floor.**

**It’s on the floor because he just threw it there as hard as he could.**

**On second thought, yeah. Take over. I’ll do human body pillow duty.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**I’m sorry John I cannot hear you as I am very much asleep >.>**

**Also being Mary’s human body pillow is nice.**

**Being Shaun’s human overtired pillow is not.**

 

From: John Watson 

To: Sherlock Holmes

**I hate you.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Can’t hear! Asleep! Goodnight!**

**^_______^**


	3. Gun-Toting Lesbians

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mary knows what she wants, John knows that he doesn't know, and Sherlock doesn't know that he doesn't know. Donald Rumsfeld, eat your heart out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aieeeeee, i'm sorry there was such a delay between the last chapter and this one. real life reared its ugly head, and one unexpected move, one expected biofam shitshow, and one unexpected and ongoing streak of brainfail later, i have finally managed to pull these words together.
> 
> my deepest and most heartfelt thanks to every single person who commented on the previous chapters. your kindness and enthusiasm have kept me going through rough times. thank you, and may you always have enough love, enough affection, and more than enough biscuits. ♥

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Sherlock.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Not now John I’m busy watching Shaun and as you are at work you should be busy too**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Right. Yeah.**

**Like my being busy ever stops you bothering me.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Unless you have figured out why Tall Baby is called Lia go away**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Because Mary named her Lia, that’s why.**

**Now would you *listen*, just this once?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Hullo darlings!**

**Sorry it’s taken me so long to decide, but I’ve worked out what I want.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Shit.**

**Too late.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**… Does that mean that you no longer want two stroppy husbands, a short son, and a tall daughter?**

**Because if you leave us I will die of misery and Galadriel will speak at my funeral because John is rubbish at that sort of thing.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Too late for what??**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Hey!**

**At least I’m not some arsehole giraffe who pretends to be dead, swans his way back into my life, and steers me straight into an entire god-damned wall of dildos.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**That was *ONE* time**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh my God.**

**I’m running away to be in lesbians with Molly.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh no.**

**I tried to warn you. You ignored me.**

**You’re on your own, Princess Dick Wall.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Nope. Not allowed.**

**Molly is MY friend. You cannot have her. We agreed.**

**Also you cannot be in lesbians with Molly because I cannot have sex with someone who has had sex with someone who has had sex with Mycroft.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Yeah. That.**

**But, you know.**

**If you *do* end up in lesbians with Molly… pictures?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Not a chance in hell.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Consider me sulking.**

**> : |**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Fair enough, but, you know.**

**I had to try.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**You really didn’t.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Damn.**

**Sorry?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

***That’s* the one.**

**Christ, you two.**

**I only messaged you in the first place because I know what I want for Valentine’s Day.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Really, Mary?**

**Surely you have deduced that John and I have already planned a perfectly revolting evening of romance and sentiment.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**SHIT SHIT BOLLOCKS SHIT**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Ooh, lovely!**

**Looking forward to it. :D**

**I haven’t planned anything for you two, I’m afraid.**

**Been a bit busy making us a daughter. ;)**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Fair enough!**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Yep.**

**Between work and cases and Shaun and OBGYN appointments and you dragging us all the hell over London to look at every bloody sofa on the bloody market, we *completely* forgot about Valentine’s Day.**

**Now we have… god, not even a week to come up with something good.**

**I tried to warn you, but you were too busy being, well, busy.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Oh God.**

**We ruined everything forever.**

**… Again. D:}**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**What I want won’t interfere with your plans, I shouldn’t think. :)**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**No kidding. We don't have any to interfere with.**

**:-O**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**I want John to quit the clinic.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**YESSSSSSSSSSS**

**Saved!**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Wait. What?**

**Why??**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**It’s obvious, John.**

**If I have told you once I have told you--.**

**Hmm.**

**Upon reflection I have not told you at all.**

**BUT.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh god.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**I am about to tell you once, and I should have told you a thousand times, to quit your ridiculous job.**

**You hate being there. I hate you being there. Mary hates you being there.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Wow.**

**Mary?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Darling, being there makes you….**

**You tend to come home a bit….**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Being at work turns you into Captain Anger Husband.**

**No Management involved.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**What? No it doesn’t.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**It really does.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Doors are slammed.**

**Stairs are stomped.**

**Wobblies are wobbled.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**But how could work upset me?**

**Nothing ever happens here.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Yes John and we all know that you are at your best when bored.**

**It’s what drew you to Mary and me, I imagine.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**…**

**…**

**Shit.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Really, John, it would be *so* helpful if you could be home more, especially once the baby’s born.**

**Our LAST baby, incidentally, because Jesus Christ am I done with being pregnant.**

**-___________-**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Right.**

**You two are going to make sure that I give notice or wish I had, aren’t you?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**You’ve been beaten, John.**

**Your one remaining move is a gracious admission of defeat.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Yeah, I’m getting that.**

**Fine.**

**Before I leave for the day, I’ll tell my super that I’m not coming back after Lia’s born.**

**Which is a relief, tell you the truth.**

**Happy early Valentine’s, Mary.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**John. *_***

**Thank you, husband.** **♥**

**Have you worked out why she's named Lia?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Not yet.**

**Beginning to wonder if you didn’t just pick it at random.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Of course she didn’t. Really, John.**

**Mary is clever. Lia’s name is meaningful.**

**It’s** **_obvious_ ** **.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Not helping, Princess.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Who said I was trying to help?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh my God.**

**Molly and I just got to the firing range.**

**I’m ignoring the both of you unless there’s a crisis.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

[File attached: atleastHEappreciatesme.jpg]

**Yes well I will not notice as I will be too busy solidifying my position as Shaun’s Favourite Parent Always And Forever**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Sorry, no time to listen to either of you, way too busy imagining Mary running away to the firing range to be in gun-toting lesbians with Molly.**

**Can’t believe you weren’t doing that already.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**… … …**

**Well I am NOW**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**I’m going to shoot at photos of you twats.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Whereas John is going to shoot *off* to photos of *your* twat**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**I want divorces.**

**At least two of them.**

**Maybe more just to be safe.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**We love you too!**

**;)** **♥**


	4. A Bit Like Monty Python And A Bit Like A Porno

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John doesn't come but does go to work, Mary doesn't come but does go to town on the chocolate bread, and Sherlock comes and goes as he pleases even when he doesn't come at all.

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Ugh.**

**Bored.**

**BOOOOORED.**

**Are you two done yet?!**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Shush, Princess.**

**I’m trying to give Mary a decent early Valentine’s gift, here.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh my God.**

**Use that enormous brain of yours. Do we *sound* like we’re done?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**No.**

**You sound like you are attempting to find a position in which vaginal intercourse will be mutually comfortable *and* mutually pleasurable when half of you are thirty-seven weeks pregnant.**

**That is to say, you are in pursuit of the impossible, and worse, you have left me to entertain our son in your absence.**

**And our kitchen contains neither biscuits nor chocolate bread.**

**AND we are out of coffee.**

**AGAIN.**

**As the only one of us concerned about these developments, I cannot help but wonder whether I am the sole responsible adult in this marriage.**

 

From: Martha Hudson

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Yoohoo! You three!**

**Not sure which of you are making all those murder sounds, but if you wouldn’t mind keeping it down?**

**I have my sister here for tea and soothers.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**HA**

**See?!**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Martha Hudson, Sherlock Holmes

**Shit. Sorry, Mrs H.**

**Hope we haven’t made teatime too awkward for you and your sister.**

 

From: Martha Hudson

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh, not at all, dear.**

**It’s just that hearing you three at it, we can’t stop giggling and comparing stories about our beaus from over the years.**

**Gladys isn’t meant to be laughing this hard for this long, poor dear, not with her blood pressure the way it is.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Martha Hudson, Mary Morstan Watson

**I will have you know that it is only Mary and John at it as I am watching Shaun like a Responsible Adult.**

**Also do you have biscuits and/or coffee and if so Shaun and I will be right down.**

 

From: Martha Hudson

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Of course I have biscuits and coffee. Silly man.**

**Do join us, though you’ll have to leave when our herbal soothers kick in.**

**Gladys and I are going to watch that American telly show, everyone watches it, you know the one.**

**It’s a bit like Monty Python and a bit like a porno?**

**Anyway it’s no good for Shaun, I’m sure.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Martha Hudson, Mary Morstan Watson

**What**

 

From: Martha Hudson

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Gladys favours that actor - I forget his name, he’s the shoe-faced one who dies in all his pictures? - but I rather fancy the horse lord.**

**He can ride into my stable any time. ;)**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Martha Hudson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Never mind no visit for me I will strap Shaun to my chest and go down to the shop for biscuits.**

**And possibly therapy.**

 

From: Martha Hudson

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Bye!**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Martha Hudson

**Wow.**

**Well played, Mrs H.**

 

From: Martha Hudson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Oh, thank you, dear, but it was nothing.**

**My late husband brought home all sorts from his cartel. Always underfoot. Bloody nuisance, really.**

**Corralling one great grumpy madman is no trouble at all. ;)**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Martha Hudson

**Funny, he’s loads of trouble for us….**

**:p**

 

From: Martha Hudson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Well, you’re in love with him, aren’t you? That changes everything.**

**Anyhow, Mary, you and John get back to your murder sounds. Gladys and I aren’t fussed.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Martha Hudson

**Oh, you’re lovely, but... much as I hate to admit it, John is overworked and exhausted, I’m pregnant and exhausted, murder sounds were more effort than they were worth, and we just… sort of… gave up.**

**John and Radstone are settling in for a nap on our grotty sofa. They both snore. This’ll be fun.**

**Meanwhile I’m about to make chocolate bread to distract myself from these damned Braxton-Hicks.**

**Two more weeks and then I am never having a baby again ever. >: ** **|**

 

From: Martha Hudson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**That’s the spirit, dear.**

**If you need someone to mind Shaun, you just let me know. I’ll ring Mycroft.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Martha Hudson

**Oh my God. I love you.**

 

From: Martha Hudson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**And I love you and your young men - ooo, must dash! My horse lord is on the telly!!**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Martha Hudson

**Yeehaw!**

 

*

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Hey.**

**Sorry I fell asleep yesterday before we could - .**

**Well.**

***Any*thing.**

**Wasn’t much of a Valentine’s gift. : /**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Hush. It was lovely, and so are you.**

**Keeping busy at work?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Eh. Kind of.**

**Trying to work out why Lia is named Lia.**

**Been looking it up on those baby name websites but after all these months all I have is, you think she’s the bearer of good news, or you think she’s dependent.**

**So I have nothing, basically.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Chin up, darling. You’ll work it out.**

**Just keep in mind how I named Shaun, yeah?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Wait. What?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**MARY**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Christ, Sherlock, no need to shout.**

**What is it?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Mary?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Sorry.**

**Needed your attention.**

**What might you want if hypothetically - MERELY hypothetically, mind - tomorrow were Valentine’s Day and I had, as of this very moment, neglected to secure a gift indicative of my love for you?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**You’ve stuffed up, haven’t you?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Mary??**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Oh, completely.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Ah.**

**At least you’re honest.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**True.**

**I'm rather wonderful, aren't I?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Let’s not push it. :p**

**And don’t worry about a gift for me, darling.**

**Pretty sure you gave me one yesterday when you rolled out the chocolate bread.**

**I know you were tired, but you helped me without being asked, and you made me laugh while you did the dishes, *and* you let me have the first slice while it was still warm.**

**You may not have said anything, but I know love when I lick it off my hot, sticky fingers.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson 

**Mary seriously answer me I’m getting worried**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**…**

**…**

**… you did that on purpose, didn’t you.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Sorry John I’m fine, everything’s fine**

**Just trying to do the shopping *and* breathe through Braxton-Hicks *and* wrangle our emotional toddler *and* take care of our son**

**You’ll have to queue up**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson 

**Yeah, fair enough.**

**See you tonight. <3**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**xoxo**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Did what? 0:-)**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**GAH you are the shortest and most impossible of - OH.**

**I know what to get you.**

**Will be home late. Don’t wait up.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh, don’t worry. I won’t. :p**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**John!**

******Already told Mary, but I won't be home when you return from work.**

**I need to see a man about a sofa.**


	5. Ignorance, Bliss, Et Cetera

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock gets shopping, Mary gets on Hudder's nerves, and John *gets* it.
> 
> Also, Tall Baby. ^_^

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fml i'm sorry this took so long. my RL marriage fell apart and i moved to the other side of the world. literally. i live with my other two partners now; we're an accidental biscuitverse unto ourselves. so. yeah. that's something.
> 
> thank you for waiting. i hope you enjoy. <3
> 
> ETA oh my god i forgot the most important part: [THE SEX SOFA](http://www.amazon.ca/dp/B00DJB0QHE). ~~i'm not saying my RL biscuitverse acksh has one of these but we definitely have one of these and no no one has figured it out yet~~

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**JOHN**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Jesus, Sherlock.**

**What now?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

[File attached: I_FOUND_IT.jpg]

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**It’s….**

**That’s….**

**Where *are* you?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Last-minute Valentine’s shopping at a little boutique in Clapham. Owner owes me a favour.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Of course he does.**

**Is that a…?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Sofa.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**And it’s…?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Adjustable, comfortable, covered in machine washable fabric, ergonomically inclined both literally and figuratively, possessed of cushions that can be rearranged to accommodate varying body types in varying positions, frameless (and therefore soft all over and therefore toddler friendly), resistant to staining by organic compounds of dubious origin, and *black*, which is, as you have likely noticed, the colour that makes my features appear most striking when I am in my mind palace.**

**Or when I am sulking.**

**I’m buying two.**

 

From: Martha Hudson

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Yoohoo! You lot!**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**You’re buying two.**

**Of that sofa.**

**The one you sent the picture of.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Yes, John. *Do* keep up.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Martha Hudson

**Go away we’re busy**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Right. Okay.**

**Pretty sure I already know, but just in case I’m wrong and you’re *not* a complete madman: what’s that fuzzy thing at the bottom of the photo?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Shaun’s blanket-covered head.**

**He’s strapped to my chest.**

**Sleeping for England, you should know before you have a conniption.**

**Ignorance, bliss, et cetera.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Yep. Complete madman. I knew it.**

**And this boutique you’re at.**

**In Clapham.**

**With our baby son.**

**It’s a sex shop, isn’t it?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Obviously.**

**Was I not clear?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Martha Hudson

**Sorry Mrs H can’t walk now**

***Chalk**

**TALK JESUS BLOODY**

**Busy. Sorry. So sorry.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**No, no. It came through.**

**What *isn’t* clear is, what in the hell makes you think that a sex sofa, much less *two* of the bloody things, would be right for our living room or, Jesus Christ, Sherlock, for our children??**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**No need for hysterics, John.**

**No one will know what the sofas were designed for. I’m certain of it.**

**Well. Mary will know, but she will forgive me once she settles into the bliss of their machine washable opulence.**

**Admit it: I am a *genius*.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh my god.**

**This is it. This is how we die.**

**Dropped dead onto a pair of sex shop sofas - which, by the way Sherlock, EVERYONE will recognise - by our pregnant wife and her unregistered gun.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Don’t be dramatic, John. That’s my job. ;p**

**Must dash. Need to work out how to get home with two seventeen-kilo vacuum-packed sex sofas and one Shaun.**

 

From: Martha Hudson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Look, you two, I know you’re busy, but keep the murder sounds to a dull roar, would you?**

**Gladys and I can’t hear the telly!**

 

From: John Watson

To: Martha Hudson, Sherlock Holmes

**Wait. Who’s making murder sounds?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Martha Hudson

**You’re hallucinating in your old age, Hudders. John is on his way home from work, Mary is napping while I mind Shaun, and I am in Clapham executing a romantic coup, which is to say, no one is having sex now so go away.**

**Also cut back on the herbal soothers.**

 

From: Martha Hudson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**You watch your tone, young man!**

**Anyhow, I’m quite sure it’s Mary I’m hearing.**

**Good on her for enjoying herself, and in her condition no less, but she is AWFULLY loud.**

**I can hardly hear my horse lord, for Heaven’s sake!**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Sherlock.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**JOHN**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Those aren’t murder sounds.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**MARY**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Mary, you all right?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**AAAAAAAAAH**

 

From: John Watson

To: Martha Hudson, Sherlock Holmes 

**Mrs H, check up on Mary, would you?**

**Let yourself in if she doesn’t answer.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Shush. Don’t panic.**

**Whatever’s happened, Mary’s a nurse, and before that, she was - I mean, I guess she still is - a… an agent.**

**Assassin.**

**Whatever.**

**She knows what medical care she needs, she knows how to handle pain, and she knows when to ask for help.**

**I trust her, is what I’m getting at.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**… I don’t know how you took me from ‘panicked’ to ‘has never been more in love with you and Mary and is only moderately resentful of my irrational attachment to you both’, but you did.**

**Thank you, Captain Husband.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh thank Christ Mrs H found my charger**

**Couldn’t search much between contractions and mobile was dead**

**Radstone’s been whimpering when I have, poor thing**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**We’ll come home straight away.**

**Need anything?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Mary you are not allowed to be in labour Lia’s due date is two weeks away**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**You can tell her that yourself before long. -_-**

**And no, John, not at the moment. Mrs H is fussing over me.**

**Am progressing fast, though. This one’s impatient like her father.**

**Hurry.**

**Both of you.**

**Please.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**OH.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**OH?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh.**

**I get it now.**

**Wow.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**John are you having a stroke**

**Again**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**You go ahead and be vague, dear.**

**I’ll just be over here frightening our dog and crushing our landlady’s hand in mine because HELLO JOHN I AM IN LABOUR HURRY UP**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Right. Sorry.**

**I figured out why you named Tall Baby Lia.**

**L and I and A… they’re the letters your first name and Sherlock’s have in common.**

**I mean.**

**Not the names you use, obviously.**

**William and Alicia.**

**The ones you were given when you were born.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**FINALLY John**

**Better late than never :p**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**You’re not bothered that I used my name from - from before?**

**Because Mary Watson *is* good enough for me. It is.**

**But my roots are oh fuck contraction fuckfuckfuck**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**I’m not bothered, no.**

**You’re brilliant.**

**I love you.**

**And Lia.**

**And her name.**

**♥**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**♥**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Ugh. You two are revolting.**

**Headed home in cab. Sofas strapped to roof.**

**Mary, forget I said that.**

**Also don’t have the baby without me I am already wracked with OH NO MY WIFE WENT INTO LABOUR AND I WAS NOT THERE guilt.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh my God.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Just walking home from the station. Should be home in ten.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Sofas?**

**Plural??**

**Jesus, Sherlock, I’m in enough pain as it is.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**No it’s fine you’re going to have to trust me oh God what am I saying not only did I buy sofas when you told me not to but I bought sex sofas because they are practical and really quite stylish and I brought our son with me and in my defense he is small and asleep but I have been informed that bringing him was Not Good regardless and anyway I am doing all of this tonight because I am a shit husband who failed to plan you an adequate Valentine’s Day romantic gesture and who instead scarpered off to a sex shop at the last minute to get you something you told me you didn’t want and as a result I am not where you are and you are in pain because Tall Baby which is also my fault so in conclusion I am terrible do not trust me.**

**D:**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Sherlock don’t come home meet us at hospital**

**Checked on Mary, everything looks fine but I’m worried if we don’t leave *now* Lia will be born in the cab or god forbid on this health code violation of a sofa**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Understood.**

**Will be at hospital shortly.**

**… with Shaun.**

**… and two sex sofas.**

**Happy early Valentine’s Day to us?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Definitely.**

**See you soon, Princess.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**:)**

 

*****

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Greg Lestrade, Louise Vernet Holmes, Martha Hudson, Molly Hooper, S. William Holmes

[File attached: allfiveofus.jpg]

**♥**


End file.
